Honestly

I don't always have it all together. What? You thought I did?
Ha, I know that is an obvious comment, but sometimes it just needs to be stated.
Blogs lend themselves to either extreme honesty or unbearable plastic-like happiness.
I don't really like either, I try to hit somewhere in the middle.
But tendencies for self-preservation and insecurities have me leaning toward the superficial more often than not.
No, I don't make stuff up. I just omit some of the sad things, and the things that are difficult to talk about, the things that expose me as an imperfect parent. You know what I'm talking about. Probably most of you have done the same at some point on your blog. If you have a blog.
So What I'm saying here is that I want to make an effort to at least occasionally post some real stuff. You know, "how do you really feel?"
Also, I don't want to condemn myself to being such a downer, there is plenty of uplifting "real" topics that I choose not to post about because it is more work.
And there is certainly a lot of room for all the fun too. And interesting projects.
What am I saying? I'm a little lost now myself!

So here's a first attempt, starting with something that I thought about a lot this past weekend.

It's difficult to be a single mom. I'm not drowning (yet!) but I definitely feel the toll of everything every so often.
It's not the physical demands that get to me, it's the emotional drain. I feel alone a lot of the time.
I have wonderful friends and fantastic family, it's not a lack of great people around me, it's just that some things I have to do on my own. And parenting is one of them.
I am not the first one to do this, or the last. And there are hundreds of other mommy's like me right now.
And, I know a lot of my friends have spouses that have very demanding work/church schedules and they are often as much of a single mom as I am.
I guess I don't want to claim special status here, I just want to express how I feel about what I am doing. With every respect to what others do every day too.
I am extremely blessed and lucky to have the things I do in my life.
I am able to stay home with my children, and I am able to go back to school, and I have a house to live in, and my needs are all met. I am truly blessed in so many ways.
Feeling overwhelmed is not exclusive to single parenting, I know.
This is kind of a list of things I need to say, and things I want to be better with.
I feel like I don't spend enough time playing with my kids.
I feel guilty about them having divorced parents.
I need to teach my children more about spiritual things. I need them to know I have a testimony of my Savior.
I don't clean my kitchen floor often enough. Not at all. And I need to vacuum.
I have several loads of laundry waiting to be folded, in fact, Naomi doesn't have clean underwear in her drawer anymore.
I loose my temper more often than I want to admit. I want to be sweet and kind, and sometimes I just get so frustrated. It's humbling to admit it, but I need to be a nicer mommy a lot of the time.
I love my children so much, and I want them to have everything. Not material, but every opportunity in life. I worry about their future.
I need to do more messy art projects with my kids.
We need to get outside and play more.
I feel selfish when I do things for me, but it's needed too. It's a balance that I am trying to figure out.
I want to be a great mom. And I'm trying. So this is just one way I'm committing myself to it, put it writing and admitting it to everyone who reads my blog. I love you all, I really do :)
Overall I am doing really well, I am making things work and my kids actually seem happy.
But I know I could do better, be better.
I don't want to settle for mediocrity.
Wish me luck and I wish you happy days too!